I can't believe you are already a month old. It seems amazing that you are already that old, yet I can't believe it hasn't been longer. Life before you feels like a lifetime ago, which is true, since our lives have completely changed since you were born. In such a short time, you have changed so much as well. You were this tiny baby who surprised the nurses with your insistance at repeatedly holding your head up while in the hospital, hours after being born. You needed to keep your hands by your face, and could get out of the tightest swaddle the nurses could come up with. You wanted to suck on something, anything that came close to your mouth, and did so with a force that would actually hurt our fingers when we surrendered them to you. You shocked us by how beautiful you were right away. We thought you would be squished from the birth like so many babies are.
You have filled out a bit. You still have skinny arms and legs like your daddy, but you have round cheeks and are starting to get a double chin. You are long and lean, and love waving your arms and legs. You refuse to wait to be fed. As soon as you decide you are hungry, we better get that bottle to your mouth or you start crying in anger. You only cry when you need something. You are a happy baby who loves to be held upright against our shoulders so you can look around and take everything in. You love holding your head up when we hold you, but tummy time is not your favorite. You spend most of it trying to move yourself forward or fling yourself to the side. You like to look at me in the mirror and will occasionaly look at yourself. Your favorite thing to look at is the black and white photograph of trees in the living room. You could stare at it for hours. You refuse to sleep in your basinet during the day. Anytime we put you in there, you stay asleep for 10 to 20 minutes before waking up. You will sleep in your swing, but you prefer our arms. You love being swaddled when you are tired, and wrapping you up will calm your tired cries in seconds. It is amazing. So far you aren't crazy about any toys, but this past week you finally decided that you like your pacifier.
This month has been the hardest, most challenging yet best month of my life. It took me about a week and a half before I felt comfortable with my ability to care for you without being terrified that something bad would happen every second of the day. Once I stopped being scared about my abilities to keep you safe, I moved on to be afraid when anyone else wanted to hold you, because what if they did it wrong, what if something happened? I've gotten better about letting people hold you, but I feel jealous because I miss feeling you in my arms. I know that this baby time is fleeting and I want to soak up as much of it as possible.
You make an assortment of faces as you fall asleep and start dreaming. I love watching your face, wondering what you are dreaming about when you break into a huge grin, or furrow your brow. These faces are an great preview of what is in store for us. A week ago you started to smile at Daddy and I. Those smiles are the greatest, and I keep trying to figure out different ways to get them out of you.
Most of all, this month with you has taught me how much love I have inside of me. I have loved you from the moment I found out about you last July, but that love took over my life the second I saw you, my tiny, perfect girl. You were so wanted and you are so cherished. I will do everything I can you make sure you are happy and know how incredibly loved you are.
Love,
Mommy
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